Thoughts for Tuesday, v.8: My Future/My Senior Year Struggles

Originally I decided against doing such a personal Thoughts for Tuesday post, since most of the topics I choose have a wider reach. However, I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted, and I'm looking forward with confidence rather than anxiety and apprehension. So naturally, this has been on my mind.

I didn't visit any colleges until last autumn, though I had done extensive research often until late at night. The idea of college, or more specifically, having to choose a college, was terrifying. So I ignored the idea and carried on as usual.

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you might have noticed several times that I cited my blase attitude toward school, work, and art - which is something I previously did as a means to relax and cope with life. I lacked any motivation, I slept constantly instead of doing anything remotely productive.

This past winter, in the midst of applying to several schools, I was diagnosed with mononucleosis. I felt ruined. I gave up on several applications, refusing to follow through. I slept more and more, even though I wasn't tired. I had fallen into a rut.

The past two months have been spent in a constant state of anxiety. If the mere idea of school crossed my mind, I lost it. It's not the biggest decision I'll ever face, they told me, I can always transfer. But minimizing the stress by looking too far into the future didn't help.

I was lucky - I was accepted at my dream school. Once finances were factored in, however, the prospect of attending grew dimmer and dimmer. After a few expected rejections, I was still stuck on this one school. I lost perspective on what I had wanted besides that particular place. Anything, in comparison, sucked.

This past weekend I made my decision. Though initially a tough one, since I hadn't expressed much interest in either, was easy once I came back to earth. I've always wanted to travel. So spending a semester in London during my freshman year? I'd be foolish to pass that up, considering I've been longing for exactly that for as long as I can remember.

I take this as a lesson to myself that things may not work out as hoped, but settling for something will be just that if one's attitude is equally sour.

So much stress has been lifted off my chest, almost instantly. Within the last couple days, I've painted several times - something I essentially refused to do during these months. I'm really cheesy and entirely naive, but I take this as some sort of symbolism that I'm back, motivation and all.

xox Catherine